Calm by association: Your nervous system has friends

You know that friend whose voice slows your heart rate just by answering the phone? Or the coworker who somehow stays steady during every crisis?

Sometimes, when our own calm is in short supply, we can borrow theirs.

We’re not talking about outsourcing our whole nervous system — just letting someone else’s grounded energy help regulate ours for a moment. 

Fun neuroscience fact: thanks to mirror neurons, our brains are literally wired to pick up on and reflect the states of people around us.

Borrowed calm might look like calling the friend who always helps you regain perspective. Asking your partner to tell you something funny before you open the email you’ve been dreading. Getting coffee (decaf!) with a colleague whose steady presence keeps you from spinning out.

We think we have to generate calm from scratch every time.
But humans are designed to co-regulate. Our nervous systems sync up — which means that just being around someone steady can help you steady yourself.

And it works both ways. Your calm will be borrowed by someone else someday. This works really well for the two of us, we’re often borrowing each other’s calm. We’re not only friends, our nervous systems are friends too!

So when you’re spiraling, find your calmest person. Borrow their calm for as long as you need. And then pass it on.