You wanted that too: The thing you don't have might not be evidence of failure

One of the reasons "should" thoughts can be so tricky is that sometimes they're pointing toward something you genuinely care about.

Take money, for example.

Maybe you've looked at your savings account, your retirement account, or your investments and thought, "I should have more saved by now."

And if someone challenged that thought, you might not immediately disagree.

Because the truth is, you probably would like to have more saved. Financial security matters to you. Having options matters to you. Creating stability for your future matters to you.

But here's what often gets left out of the conversation:
You also wanted other things.

   Maybe you wanted the family trip.
  Maybe you wanted to help your child with something important.
  Maybe you wanted to cut back your hours and buy yourself a little more time and breathing room.
  Maybe you wanted experiences, flexibility, memories, or connection.

When we look only at what we don't have as a "should", it's easy to start telling ourselves a story that we've failed.

But often what we're seeing isn't failure. It's evidence of choices.

The money isn't missing because you forgot it mattered. The money isn't missing because you're irresponsible. The money isn't missing because you don't value financial security.

It's because other things mattered too.

We rarely talk about the fact that so much of adulthood is choosing between things we value.

Not good versus bad. Not responsible versus irresponsible.

Good versus good.

You can value saving money and value making memories with your family.
You can value career advancement and value being home for dinner.
You can value financial security and value having more time.

The challenge is that sometimes one value gets funded while another has to wait.

And when that happens, many of us skip straight to self-criticism. We tell ourselves we should have somehow found a way to have both.

But sometimes there wasn't a version where you got everything. Sometimes there was just a choice.

And even when you feel good about the choice you made, it can still be disappointing to see what it cost.

That's where a little self-compassion comes in.

You don't have to pretend you don't care about the thing that didn't get chosen.

You can acknowledge that you wanted it. You can even feel sad that it isn't here right now.

At the same time, you can remember that the life you're living today is also a reflection of things you deeply valued.

Sometimes self-compassion looks like recognizing that you made the best decision you could among competing priorities, and letting yourself be human enough to feel both grateful for what you chose and disappointed about what you didn't.