"But I see both sides...": Why your attempt to be "fair" might feel dismissive

Here’s one of the sneaky reasons it can feel hard to validate someone else’s experience:

Their side of the story is not the only one we see.
And then suddenly, offering validation starts to feel… disingenuous.
Like we’re telling half the story.
Like we’re picking sides.
Like we’re lying a little?

So instead of just sitting with them in what they’re feeling, we start doing that thing…we say:
“I totally get why you’re upset… but also, in their defense…”
“I hear you… and at the same time, I think they were probably just trying to…”
“Yeah, that sounds awful… but I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think and it will be okay…”

Our brains are trying to be fair. Trying to bring balance.
But to the person on the receiving end?
It doesn’t feel fair. It just feels invalidating.

Here’s what’s actually true:
You can validate someone’s emotional experience without erasing, fixing, or defending the other side.

Psychologist Caroline Fleck puts it simply:
“Validation is not agreement. It’s acknowledging the internal logic of someone’s emotional experience.”

That’s it. You’re not picking teams. You’re not handing out verdicts.
You’re just saying: “What you’re feeling makes sense, given what you experienced.”

Even if you also understand why their colleague snapped. Or why their kid was rude. Or why their mom made that unhelpful comment for the 87th time.

You can still be fully present with this person, at this moment.

And here’s the best part: validation doesn’t just feel good to them.
It feels good to you too.

It’s one of those rare gifts that deepens connection and leaves everyone feeling a little more human, a little more grounded, and a little more seen.

Whether you’re dealing with a disgruntled patient, your cranky kid, or a burned out colleague—validation is never wrong.