When good mom words go bad- Wait...now I can't say "do your best"?

We’re all type-A doctor mamas and can’t help but feel good when our kids bring home a top-notch report card. Yet, we fear that the pressure we have felt will be passed to the next generation. 

And so we’re working on shifting from gunner moms to “just do your best” moms. Sounds like this has to be better, right? 

Picture this: Your child comes home upset about a B on their test. Like most of us, you might find yourself saying, "Well, as long as you did your best, that's all that matters." We say this with love, wanting to ease their disappointment. But this well-intentioned response can actually lead to the same pressure-cooker we’re trying to avoid creating for them. 

The problem with perfectionism is that there is no such thing as perfect. And there is never a ceiling- there’s always a reason something is not perfect. And the same goes for doing “your best”. If we asked you if you did “your best” at work today, you might think of the 5 minutes you scrolled on Facebook instead of charting and decide that you have failed. And that is why telling your child to do their best can make a B feel like a “failure”. 

There's another way to show up in these moments. Instead of saying “just do your best”, we can create space for resilience and growth without feeding perfectionistic thinking. 

We know it’s hard to see your child upset or stressed, and the urge to “fix” it is strong, but try sitting with them and validating what they’re going through. Saying things like “I can see how disappointed you are feeling about this grade” or “you were hoping for a different outcome” allow your child to feel seen and not judged and they also lessen the chance of them judging themselves harshly. 

Connected parenting happens in moments of validation. Attempts to make children feel better often feel dismissive. And telling a child to just “do your best” can paradoxically add to stress and the pressure. When our kids feel validated and seen, they are more likely to be able to creatively think about how they want to show up next time to keep achieving their goals, without the myth of a “best” or “perfect” hanging over them.